5th of November, 2019.

3 months since my last post here. I don't really know what made me want to write this post. Things are not really like the last post. I don't know, it is kind of weird. I logged in and I read my last post and I have this..feeling, The feelings in it were the..normality. I knew what I was feeling, it might were some terrible feelings but at the least I knew. Now? Now, I don't know. And to be honest I'm afraid of the new feelings. I don't know how to feel different.
Things are better in comparison the last few months. I don't want to start dreaming and saying that things are good now. I'm always waiting for the bad thing to come, like they waiting for me in the corner. I still get my bad days and I still get anxious, for the future mostly and my insecurities will never leave, but at the least it's not like the hell I went through.
Therapy is also coming to an end after 9 months...social anxiety is much better now but like my therapist said, one day I should also start a new ''circle'' of sessions with someone for my other issues..Also, I'm graduating in 4 months...my feelings are bittersweet and I'm also very anxious for what's next..I don't want to move out of this town, it breaks my heart but I need to accept it.
Things are weird. I don't know if I'm ''healed'' and I now can handle things, or I just ignore them. Was staying away from people helped or not? I don't know. Maybe yes, but I feel bad about it.
I feel bad for the girl of last post. Things are weird..and a lot. I don't know what will happen. I'm afraid of relapsing. But for now, I'm out of hell.

22nd of August, 2019.

I haven't been here in a while. Probably 'cause I have a journal now, the things written there are not pleasant to be posted anywhere. Anyways. Things are not good. It's always like that, I get my mind off from things, I get distracted, I can be good for a while but it always comes back...always. And it hits me hard. To be honest, I'm scared. I'm scared it will be like this for the rest of my life. And I really don't want that. It's terrifying to think that. I don't see myself in the future, and I don't think that I even want to. 

I am sad. And nobody knows. I put on my smile and I play pretend. Besides, during the time I'm with people, I am fine. It's when I'm alone that everything hits. 

I am tired. Really. I can't stand this feeling. I don't even know if therapy helps. I just wish I was dead. I wish I die soon. This is my wish on my birthdays. I wish I was brave enough to end it all. I wish I had no one so letting go wasn't that hard. Not that at the end of the end everyone just cares about themselves or, but you know, if you have no one, no one will get sad or depressed. Maybe there will be an accident and it won't be that bad for others....

I'm sad and tired.

Where there is hope, there are trials...

January 19th 2018, 10:30pm

Music: BTS- Sea*. 

Goals. We all have them. Are they ours though? Or somebody else's? If they are not, the best thing to do is to do what we really want. We don't live to satisfy others. But what happens when they are ours, or when there is no alternative? What happens when we don't even know and circumstances press us?

We try our best but we keep failing. Why? Did we try hard enough? Did we really did our best? Sometimes, we know we didn't. But, this is what we want. We desperately want to achieve this goal of ours. So why are we stuck? 

We envy. We envy, in a good way, those who can focus to their goals and just..do it! While we have been trying and failing and trying again and failing again. For years. Then this moment comes that we do well, really well. The desert becomes the sea. We finally believe that we can do this, that we have found what it takes. Everything for once goes as we want to. 

But the sea can dissapear as fast as the wave kisses the shore and leaves. It takes a moment. A new failure and we are back to how we used to be. The question, if we are still chased by a sandstorm, was always there, in the back of our head, we have just been hoping and praying and wishing that the desert would remain a beach. 

As we are walking through the sandstorm, barely able to see around us, the sand blinding us, hiting our bodies, feeling like a thousand of whips, we want to quit. We desperately want to quit, to let the sand bury us, to stop moving against it, lay down and close our eyes. But we can not. Firstly, because we don't have an option, or we think that we don't, or because we are scared and confused; we want this after all. Secondly, it is not only us. People are expecting from us to achieve this. People that are important to us, that helped us, that sacrifice so much every day just for us to have this opportunity. We can not let them down. And time, time keeps pressuring us. Graduation after graduation and all just to find a job. A job that might has nothing to do with our degree. And all that as fast as you can, because for how long are we gonna depend on other people? Because, we are considered to be failures or lazzy that we can't graduate on time. And any other goal of ours, any field related, we can not quit. We want this after all, if we didn't we wouldn't call it quiting, we would call it a change and it would feel nice.

So we keep walking, waiting for the sea. Wating to feel refreshed again, hoping it will last forever. Trying really hard to make it last forever. But, honestly, the sea, the desert, the beach, all are the same world. A sea used to be a desert, a desert used to be a sea and the beach is there to remind us of that. 

Keep walking, keep swimming, until you reach the beach. Then you can rest, for just a little while. Remember, the weather is unpredictable. 

*This song talks about how nobody believed in them, but they achieved great things. Despite their success, they never rest, they aim for more and new goals, even though they know they have to work very hard for them.

October 13-15th 2017.


My trip to Madrid and my experience from Leroy Sanchez's Elevated Tour, my first concert.

  Now that the tour is almost over I wanted to write few words about it. I attended the show in Madrid on 14/10 (20th bday presemt lol), at Teatro Barcelo, which is a pretty cool place I have to say. The atmosphere was great, the band made us feel really comfortable (and that is coming from someone who sometimes doesn't get along with crowds). Now, I might didn't most of what Leroy were saying (bless my friend who was translating for me the whole show😂 ), but I'm amazed of how music connects people and conveys emotions.
  Speaking of connecting people, I met great people that I wouldn't have met before and new music from artists that I would have never listened to (Carlos Ares, you were great, I fell in love with your songs and I'm sure you will do great things).
  Also, Leroy and the guys were so kind. They talked to us, took pictures with us, Corey even gave us guitar pens and had to go back to get some more when he ran out. Stay like that guys!
 When I tell people I traveled from Greece to Madrid, 4 flights in 3 days just for this they look at me like I'm crazy (maybe I am😂) but it worth all the tiredness. Most of all, I have all these great memories to look back to and feel good! So, if you ask me ''should I go to one of his shows?'' I say, definitely! Especially if you like some good music (who doesn't though?). So, if you happen to be in Australia and Hawaii go get tickets and enjoy!
  Guys, enjoy the last few shows. Thank you for the memories and all the emotions. Looking forward to the next concert (I hope by then you have a band name😂), until then at least we have YouTube.

                                               

*all images belong to me. Please give credits, if you use any of them (ig: @silia.a, twitter: @itssosilia)* 

May 29th, 10:44 pm.

Regrets. Empty promises.


  What's up with that weird mood? That mood you get into after a romantic movie. The oh-these-things-never-happen-in-real-life-but-if-they-do-they-surely-don't-happen-to-me mood. You get what I mean.
 Part number 1. Let's talk about empty promises. Empty words. Never, ever, say things that you don't really mean. ''Oh I will always be there for you'', ''I'm glad that I have you in my life'', ''You make me a better person''. Bullshit! You just don't say that, to a friend, to a lover, to a crush, to whatever that person is, and then dissapear, just like that. Um, hellooo, fellow human left behind very confused and hurt.
 Part number 2. Things you have to say. One thing I have learned in this life is, don't leave things unspoken. Just say what you want to say. No matter what. Hard. I know. But it's harder when time passes and then you don't have any right to bring it up. And this is what we call regrets. And they hunt you for a long time. And guess what, they suck.
 But if it happens, I am one of these people that believe that everything happens for a reason. So, we have to embrace this reason and move on. It didn't happen cause you are probably better off without them. I mean they didn't even keep their promises....💁 So, you are good. Really.




Take care,
x

8 Μαΐου 2017.

 Έφυγες. Σήμερα λείπεις.Δε πρόλαβα να σε δω μια τελευταία φορά. Δε με θυμώσουν. Εγώ όμως ποτέ δε θα ξεχάσω.
 Δε θα ξεχάσω πόση καλή και αγαθή ήσουν. Δε θα ξεχάσω τις φορές που τρώγαμε στο σπίτι σου εκείνη την υπέροχη μακαρονάδα σου. Δε θα ξεχάσω τη μεγάλη άσπρη λεκάνη με τους περίφημους πατατοκεφτέδες σου που έφερνε ο μπαμπάς στο σπίτι κάποια βράδια, κάνοντας μας έκπληξη και μεις ενθουσιαζόμασταν· δεν έμεναν στο μπολ για πολύ καιρό. Δε θα ξεχάσω την βυσσινάδα που πάντα πίναμε όταν σε επισκεφτόμασταν. Δε θα ξεχάσω τα καλοκαίρια που καθόμασταν στην βεράντα και τρώγαμε φρούτα ή ζελέ (πολύ φαΐ τελικά!). Δε θα ξεχάσω τον πάντα τέλειο κότσο που έκανες στα άσπρα σου μαλλιά και την αγαπημένη σου πολυθρόνα. Δε θα ξεχάσω που με έλεγες το ''καλύτερο κορίτσι'' και χαμογελούσες. Δε θα ξεχάσω πόσο μας αγαπούσες όλους.
 Εσύ όμως ξέχασες. Μας ξέχασες. Δε πειράζει, δε φταις εσύ. Δε πειράζει που έπρεπε να σου λέμε 20 φορές ποιο είμαστε. Δε πειράζει που νόμιζες ότι οι άνθρωποι στη τηλεόραση ήταν στο δωμάτιο· ήταν αστείο πολλές φορές. Δε ξέρω τι μπορεί να σκεφτόσουν, αλλά θέλω να πιστεύω πως ήσουν χαρούμενη, αν και στο δικό σου κόσμο.
 Σ' ευχαριστώ για την αγάπη σου. Σ' ευχαριστώ για τον μπαμπά και τον θείο μου. Σ' ευχαριστώ για τις ωραίες αναμνήσεις. Σ' ευχαριστώ για όλα.

Πες γεια στους παππούδες μου.


Σε ευχαριστώ. Σε αγαπώ. Μου λείπεις.

Η εγγονή σου.

February 5th, 24:00

Movies. We all like movies. But why?

For me movies are an escape. I can, for 2 hours, forget everything and just enjoy a story. The movie can either make you feel good or sometimes bad, cause you get caught up in the story, or you just sit there and start thinking why can't stuff like that happen to you, especially if it's a romantic movie and on the credits you read ''based on a true story''.

Isn't it fascinating how they come up with such stories? I mean, think about your favorite movie right now. How did they come up with that? And yes, even when it's based on books. Authors are such creative people. Even more, actors and actresses, They can act that good that they can touch your soul.

I love these kind of films that just leaves you on your seat for a while. Those kind of films that you can't stop thinking about them for a day or two.

Movies can make you laugh, cry, scare you. They can make you change the way you think on some matters, they pass a message. They can even bring people together!

Whatever kind of film it is, whatever kind you like, we all enjoy a good movie.


x