5th of November, 2019.

3 months since my last post here. I don't really know what made me want to write this post. Things are not really like the last post. I don't know, it is kind of weird. I logged in and I read my last post and I have this..feeling, The feelings in it were the..normality. I knew what I was feeling, it might were some terrible feelings but at the least I knew. Now? Now, I don't know. And to be honest I'm afraid of the new feelings. I don't know how to feel different.
Things are better in comparison the last few months. I don't want to start dreaming and saying that things are good now. I'm always waiting for the bad thing to come, like they waiting for me in the corner. I still get my bad days and I still get anxious, for the future mostly and my insecurities will never leave, but at the least it's not like the hell I went through.
Therapy is also coming to an end after 9 months...social anxiety is much better now but like my therapist said, one day I should also start a new ''circle'' of sessions with someone for my other issues..Also, I'm graduating in 4 months...my feelings are bittersweet and I'm also very anxious for what's next..I don't want to move out of this town, it breaks my heart but I need to accept it.
Things are weird. I don't know if I'm ''healed'' and I now can handle things, or I just ignore them. Was staying away from people helped or not? I don't know. Maybe yes, but I feel bad about it.
I feel bad for the girl of last post. Things are weird..and a lot. I don't know what will happen. I'm afraid of relapsing. But for now, I'm out of hell.

22nd of August, 2019.

I haven't been here in a while. Probably 'cause I have a journal now, the things written there are not pleasant to be posted anywhere. Anyways. Things are not good. It's always like that, I get my mind off from things, I get distracted, I can be good for a while but it always comes back...always. And it hits me hard. To be honest, I'm scared. I'm scared it will be like this for the rest of my life. And I really don't want that. It's terrifying to think that. I don't see myself in the future, and I don't think that I even want to. 

I am sad. And nobody knows. I put on my smile and I play pretend. Besides, during the time I'm with people, I am fine. It's when I'm alone that everything hits. 

I am tired. Really. I can't stand this feeling. I don't even know if therapy helps. I just wish I was dead. I wish I die soon. This is my wish on my birthdays. I wish I was brave enough to end it all. I wish I had no one so letting go wasn't that hard. Not that at the end of the end everyone just cares about themselves or, but you know, if you have no one, no one will get sad or depressed. Maybe there will be an accident and it won't be that bad for others....

I'm sad and tired.