February 4th 2017, 22:40

If somebody asked me what I want in life, I would probably say: not to deal with stuff and people. 

Let me explain what I mean. I am tired of feeling bad for the choices I have made. I don't want to come up with excuses and lies so I can avoid something and then feel bad about it. I want to just say straight ahead what I want to say and people to understand. 

I get angry but I never show. Angry with people, angry with myself. I don't want to deal with people cause I guess, I don't wanna know their reaction or mostly because I have no idea how to explain myself (reason why I prefer texting than calling, more time to think what to say). 

When I travelled abroad on summer it was the best week of my entire 20 years of life. Why? Because for a full week I didn't have to deal with stuff and people. Everyone was so far, I couldn't take calls or make plans or even didn't have time to think. 

I know that people can leave out of your life. I don't want that. And that's why I feel bad I suppose. Excuses over excuses, cancellations over cancellations will make people not wanting to be around you anymore. I think I make people sad or angry or fed up with my stuff. Maybe though, everything is just in my head and I make myself think different. But when do you realize that? When you have hit rock bottom? 

Maybe I feel this way not because of people but because of me. Because I don't undestand. Because it doesn't seem to go away. Because when all you want to do is to crawl up in a ball to someone and cry but at the same time you don't. Hundreads of times I have wished I would just vanished, or never existed. Not dead, cause death makes people sad (they have enough problems), just never existed. 

I don't even feel comfortable posting all these, probably because it's the truth. Probably because I don't want people to know. Probably because I don't want to deal with this.

If somebody asked me what I want in life, I would probably say: clean mind. 

x

August 2^nd, 2016. Midnight.

 Sitting on my bed, at my old room. Listening to music, laptop on my lap, phone next to me with its LED light going on and off. But I’m ignoring it. Staring out my window.

You see, I don’t live here anymore. Everything has changed but yet, at the same time, nothing has. Still sitting here, still over-thinking, still can’t sleep, still crying.  As I did last year, and the year before that.

By this point, I’m sure something is not right about me. And it’s only getting worse. There hasn’t been a day, there hasn’t been a minute that I don’t think about my look, my body, my insecurities, how bad I’m doing with university, how I get anxious about everything. I don’t answer calls anymore, only texts. It’s August and I haven’t gone to the beach not even once. Damn it, I haven’t even left my house, unless it was necessary. Yes, this year it got worse. I was so hoping it would all be gone. But no.

A song in a language I don’t understand is playing. I don’t mind. It sounds nice.

12:49 am. I don’t know why I decided to write all these down. Maybe I will do it again. Maybe I even post them on a blog or something. Maybe not.

A John Mayer ft Katy Perry song is on. I didn’t know they had collaborated. Cool.

12:55am.

Good night. 
x. 

Thursday November 3rd, 2016. 11:14 pm


Don't you some days just wish you could disappear? Scream to let it all out and just... disappear? Today is one of these days.

Do you know that Grey's Anatomy episode 3x15, where Meredith just gives up? She just let herself disappear in the deep cold water? Today is one of these days. 

Your mind is full, always thinking. You have to listen to music or watch an entire season of a series or watch TV till you fall asleep. You just want one night, with no thinking, totally blank. These last few years are like that. 

Today I was so close to open that small box where I hide it and do something I haven't done in what seems forever. I didn't (hope I won't). And what surprises me, is that tonight I don't feel that bad, why did I come so close then? 

Going to watch series episodes until I get too tired. 

When did life became complicated?


x

Hi,

So, um I created this blog to share some of my thoughts. I have been writing them down a lot lately. It's nothing much; just random words here and there. Who knows, there might be people having the same thoughts. 

I don't know what else to say here, so you might see a new post sometime.


Good day/night,

x.