February 4th 2017, 22:40

If somebody asked me what I want in life, I would probably say: not to deal with stuff and people. 

Let me explain what I mean. I am tired of feeling bad for the choices I have made. I don't want to come up with excuses and lies so I can avoid something and then feel bad about it. I want to just say straight ahead what I want to say and people to understand. 

I get angry but I never show. Angry with people, angry with myself. I don't want to deal with people cause I guess, I don't wanna know their reaction or mostly because I have no idea how to explain myself (reason why I prefer texting than calling, more time to think what to say). 

When I travelled abroad on summer it was the best week of my entire 20 years of life. Why? Because for a full week I didn't have to deal with stuff and people. Everyone was so far, I couldn't take calls or make plans or even didn't have time to think. 

I know that people can leave out of your life. I don't want that. And that's why I feel bad I suppose. Excuses over excuses, cancellations over cancellations will make people not wanting to be around you anymore. I think I make people sad or angry or fed up with my stuff. Maybe though, everything is just in my head and I make myself think different. But when do you realize that? When you have hit rock bottom? 

Maybe I feel this way not because of people but because of me. Because I don't undestand. Because it doesn't seem to go away. Because when all you want to do is to crawl up in a ball to someone and cry but at the same time you don't. Hundreads of times I have wished I would just vanished, or never existed. Not dead, cause death makes people sad (they have enough problems), just never existed. 

I don't even feel comfortable posting all these, probably because it's the truth. Probably because I don't want people to know. Probably because I don't want to deal with this.

If somebody asked me what I want in life, I would probably say: clean mind. 

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